"He shall from time to time give to Congress..." RJR

For those that don't know, I have a lot of time on my hands these days. I won't get into the reasons why I'm unemployed (ok, laziness), but this leads to me watching a lot of television. That's why I was especially disappointed when I flipped on the TV yesterday to find nothing but the State of the Union address on all four major networks. I'm not what you might call "knowledgeable" about politics and current events, especially since the writers' strike took the Daily Show off the air for a couple of months.

There must be others like me, who could care less about hearing President Bush talk for 15 minutes and be clapped at for another hour. Why doesn't one of the networks schedule a sweet movie or a normal show instead, just to shake things up? For instance, NBC should have scheduled the triumphant return of "American Gladiators" for the same time slot. It would have gotten great ratings, and I'm guessing there wouldn't have been much crossover between the two.

(Side note: the wikipedia entry for "Anticipation is better than the actual event" should have two pictures: 1) a Christmas tree with presents under it, and 2) Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali hosting the new American Gladiators show).

Another idea for State of the Union night: Comedy Central should have aired a live "Mystery Science State of the Union 2008" with Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and maybe Lewis Black and Dennis Miller (you know, to keep it fair and balanced). Nothing but those four sitting in the front of a movie theater telling jokes and commenting on the speech. Noah, you need to make this happen, even if it means scabbing during the writers' strike.


Was that a Chris Mah post? Tough Call.

Cape League IS Baseball 1/27/08 jpw

I recently finished a pretty interesting book about the Cape Cod summer baseball league called The Last Best League. I recommend it highly. Before starting, I was wondering if my friend Scott Thoms or his dad (who is the GM of one of the teams) would play a prominent role in the story:

p. 9 In the attached one-car garage at Charlie Thoms's house, racks of neatly pressed uniform tops hung in four groups.

p. 17 Scott Thoms, Charlie nineteen-year-old son, squeezed five or six A's into the Yukon to go four-wheeling on North Beach.

Oh yes. That didn't take long. What a great book. There is even an acknowledgement to one of my undergrad engineering profs for his studies with wooden bats as well as mention of a certain A's tee shirt with a certain slogan that a certain friend of mine currently wears about three days each week.

Who Wants to Wrestle Uncle Kevin -bh

Last weekend I drove out to Dripping Springs for my buddy Sean’s 30^th birthday party. Sean used to work with me before he moved to a better job. On the weekends, when he’s not a systems analyst, Sean is flying across the country on someone else’s dollar to play softball. The party was full of other semi-pro softball players, youth football coaches and screaming wives and kids.

I suspected the wives and kids would be the fun police, but it turned out to be just the opposite. An 8 year old made me a vodka tonic that would knock out David Hasselhof and the over-under for Sean’s wife passing out was 10pm. She passed out on the counter at 10:20. Right before her head hit the linoleum we had a moment. She was sluring so badly even a Denny’s waitress wouldn’t be able to understand her, “I’m glaaaad you came,” she said. Unfortunately, she was zombie drunk and hit me in the mouth when she tried to hug me.

One mildly sober woman was juggling a wineglass and a knife, trying to cut the cake. The kids lined up like ducklings and as the first kid got her cake, Sean's brother Kevin swooped in and grabbed it right off the plate. He lost his balance, fell onto the counter, and then spun acrobatically into the cake. The little girl glared at Kevin, now frosted and on the floor and called him a mean drunk. The cake dispenser put her knife on the counter and pulled down Kevin’s pants with help from the line of kids.

Once he got his pants back on, Kevin walked towards the door hunched up like a clown ridding a tiny bike and passed out in peace outside. I stepped over him on my way home.

Just When I Thought I Was Out... 1/23/08 SGM

Here's a dialogue that took place a couple weeks ago between me and a female bartender (I think, named Courtney or Corey) at a bar in New Haven called El Amigo Felix that, as far as I've been able to tell, on any given weeknight caters only to me and 7 Puerto Rican ecstasy dealers, all of whom are best friends. For future reference: Always remember to tip correctly, or risk looking like an ass.

I walk into the bar and try to ignore some "hostile" staring, and, smiling brazenly ask the bartender for a Dosequis, the cheapest beer available that I could be certain hadn't been brewed on site by the bar's owner and his pack of stray dogs.

Me: Hi. Can I have a Dosequis, please?
Courtney: Five dollars.
Me: (handing her what I'm pretty sure is $6) Here's six.
Corey: (after examining the money) This is four.
Me: Uh.

Was that a Liam Butler story? Tough call.

How a Resurrection Really Feels 1/17/08 jpw

Like Michael Jordan, Larry Holmes, and Roger Clemens, the blog is back. Just as Big Daddy Drew from the widely read deadspin website is running out of NFL games to make completely inappropriate jokes about while dropping an inordinate amount of F-bombs (subsequently causing me to laugh out loud and then having to blatantly lie to my Mormon labmates about what I'm reading), a blog with a readership of approximately 4 written by a guy less than half Big Daddy Drew's size who isn't very funny to begin with decides to make a comeback. Coincidence? Not a chance.
Format has changed. It is now an open blog celebrating community in the tradition of the Communist Kitchen. No reason to label your own personal cereal boxes on this blog. Enjoy.

An apology 9/2/07

For most of my life, I’ve been a student-athlete, not a public blogger, so, you know, I really don’t know, you know, how to type what I really want to type.

You know, I understand it’s — it’s important or not important, you know, as far as what you type but how you type things. So, you know, I take this opportunity just to write from the heart.

First, I want to apologize, you know, for all the things that — that I’ve done and that I have allowed to happen. I want to personally apologize to commissioner Google, The Hold Steady, coach Pat Welsh, my IM softball teammates, you know, for my — for my previous discussions about them on this blog. And I was not honest and forthright in my discussions, and, you know, I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself to say the least.

I want to apologize to all the young bloggers out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up.

I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering John Welsh the person, not the blogger.

I take full responsibility for my actions. For one second will I sit right here — not for one second will I sit right here and point the finger and try to blame anybody else for my actions or what I’ve done.

I’m totally responsible, and those things just didn’t have to happen. I feel like we all make mistakes. It’s just I made a mistake in using bad judgment and making bad decisions. And you know, those things, you know, just can’t happen.

Ending a blog before you say you will is a terrible thing, and I did reject it.

I’m upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that’s the right thing to do as of right now.

Like I said, for this — for this entire situation I never pointed the finger at anybody else, I accepted responsibility for my actions of what I did and now I have to pay the consequences for it. But in a sense, I think it will help, you know, me as a person. I got a lot to think about in the next year or so.

I offer my deepest apologies to everybody out in there in the world wide web who was affected by this whole situation. And if I’m more disappointed with myself than anything it’s because of all the young people, young bloggers that I’ve let down, who look at John Welsh as a role model. And to have to go through this and put myself in this situation, you know, I hope that every young blogger out there in the world reading this post right now who’s been following the blog will use me as an example to using better judgment and making better decisions.

Once again, I offer my deepest apologies to everyone. And I will redeem myself. I have to.

So I got a lot of down time, a lot of time to think about my actions and what I’ve done and how to make John Welsh a better person.

Thanks you.

Penultimate post 9/1/07

(A game between the Mets and Braves in Atlanta is about to start. Nark is watching it on Fox. I don’t have a tv.)

Welsh: Cmah doesn't have Fox, but we're gonna go to his friends house in a bit anyways to watch.

Welsh: I'll gamecast it until then.

Nark: Nice...

Nark: David Eckstein is accepting some ridiculous award on fox right now. I hate that guy.

Welsh: Oh man! I can't believe we don't get Fox.

Nark: Pathetic really.

Welsh: You're making this up aren't you?

Nark: No, he was really on.

Nark: It's the "Byrnsie Awards" the moron announcer for Fox.

Welsh: I'm doing a drink for Eckstein.

Welsh: Even though it makes no sense, because he doesn't drink.

Nark: What!?!?! You've started drinking already? I was waiting for the game to start to get it going.

Nark: not drinking = another reason I hate Eckstein

Nark: I'm going to grab a beer, and a bag of Tostitos Scoops.

Welsh: I love that guy; he plays the game the right way; he doesn't need booze to feel successful.

Welsh: Unlike us.

Nark: Agreed.

Nark: You know I just badmouth him because I know he's your favorite player, right?

Welsh: I hate you so much.

Nark: Thanks.

Nark: We're three minutes from first pitch. Have you found a TV yet?

Welsh: No; it will be a few innings.

Welsh: I'll just say "Hey, wha happened?" after every other pitch.

Nark: Right now you're missing Marlon Anderson (the greatest pinch hitter of all time) read off the Mets starting line-up. Seriously, what kind of morons are in charge of Fox

Nark: Are you ready? Sing it with me.... Jo-se, Jose Jose Jose!!!! Jo-se! Jo-se!!!

Welsh: Ok, you don't have to do a play-by-play.

(Jose Reyes flies out to start the game.)

Nark: Damnit. Flyout to Willie Harris...

Nark: So what can you tell me about Mr. Chuck James?

Welsh: Best name in baseball.

Welsh: Marginal pitcher.

Welsh: Second year pitcher.

Welsh: From Atlanta just like half of the team.

Nark: I'll admit it's a great name. And he didn't look too bad there setting the Mets down in order.

Nark: Pete Moylan just referred to Mr. Chuck James as "pitching God Chuck James."

Nark: I'm not making this shit up.

Welsh: Alright, we've got Willie, Kelly, and Chipper coming up.

Welsh: How threatening are those names, eh?

Nark: Actually, don't you have Willie, Kelly and Leroy coming up?

Welsh: It's Larry, and if you call him that again, this running diary is ending immediately.

Nark: Sorry, Larry.

Nark: I'm embarrassed for myself, my team, and my entire family.

Nark: I need another beer.

Welsh: I wish I could hit your head with a bottle just hard enough that it didn't break.

Nark: I hear that's a pretty good time. I would recommend giving it a try. In fact, maybe we should arrange a broken bottle over the head bet on this game.

Welsh: I need a few more beers to make that broken bottle bet.

Welsh: Give me a couple innings.

Nark: I'm still reeling from the Leroy incident. It's going to take me a bit of time to get myself back together here.

Welsh: I think you would get your ass kicked faster in Queens for screwing that up than you would in Atlanta.

Nark: Agreed. Jesus, I gotta get my act together.

Nark: How excited does that shot of Pedro, in uniform, in the Mets dugout make you?

Welsh: Doesn't he have like a 6.00 ERA in single A?

Nark: Irrelevant. I hear those guys he was pitching against are really good. And he's looked great pitching in the bullpen. I mean, seriously, isn't Yi Jianlin a can't miss NBA star based on his post up ability against those chairs?

Welsh: You're talking about "The Chairman?”

Nark: Exactly.

(Carlos Delgado hits into a double play.)

Nark: Carlos Delgado has turned into Julio Franco this year. Whenever he gets to the plate in a situation where the Mets can really get a rally going, he grounds into a double play and ends the threat.

Welsh: What do you think Franco is thinking as he watches this game?

Nark: Wow. Good question. I have no idea. I think he's probably just eating some egg whites and getting excited to kill a rally for the Braves.

Welsh: The braves cut him when Mark T came in.

Nark: I thought they called him up today with the roster expansion...

Welsh: Please tell me you’re joking.

Nark: I wouldn't make this stuff up...

Welsh: Maybe he can pitch 5th in their rotation…

Welsh: Side note: I heard Mark Lemke made a comeback as a knuckler a few years back.

Nark: Maybe. I hear it was a toss-up between him and Jose Canseco. On that subject, what would you do if things got so bad that the Braves actually considered signing Jose Canseco to join the rotation?

Welsh: It's gotten so bad recently, I don't think I'd be all that surprised.

Nark: Brutal....

Nark: Are you seeing the Burger King Hot Zone right now???

Welsh: No, I'm still at Cmah's.

Nark: Unbelievable. I'll let you experience it for yourself when you find a TV.

Nark: Can I also say that it makes me exceptionally happy to see Ricky Henderson as the Mets first base coach? I know we shared a few emails on this subject, but I think it's worth taking a quick flashback and sharing some favorite Ricky moments...

Welsh: "Today, I am the greatest player in baseball history."

Welsh: The Rolaids commercial....

Welsh: The Oakleys….

Nark: Pretty much inventing the athlete speaking in the third person.

Nark: Total side note here: My roomate (a girl) has joined the room. She's peppering me with questions such as "Are the Mets and Braves in the same division?"

Nark: I feel like my head is going to explode.

Nark: Second sidenote: She claims to be a HUGE Yankees fan. Perhaps I should have done a bit more research before I moved in with her.

SEVERAL INNINGS PASS

Welsh: Alright, so the A's are on Fox instead at our new location.

Nark: Brutal!!

Welsh: Think I could steal your mlbtv just this once?

Nark: Absolutely.

Welsh: Password?

DELETED

Welsh: Actually, the first one worked but the game is blacked out.

Welsh: I got audio, though.

Nark: Tragic. Listen to the wfan version... : )

Welsh: I got it.

Nark: Nice.

Nark: You just missed the Beltran home run....(in the top of the 7th)

Welsh: Freaking Beltran; good thing you aren't GM or else they would still have Mike Cameron.

Nark: I still like Mike Cameron better.

Welsh: I would trade Andruw for Cameron straight up in a heartbeat.

Nark: The pitch he put out was unbelievable. He was way out in front and looked like he just stuck the bat out there.

Nark: What's the deal with Andruw Jones anyways?

Welsh: He is fat and strikes out all the time.

Welsh: He also doesn't get to as many balls as he used to.

Welsh: I'm not gonna care when he walks after this year.

Nark: How old is he?

Welsh: 30?

Welsh: He was 19 when he came up.

Nark: Fair enough.

Nark: He must be a very discouraging guy to root for. So many physical tools. Always looking like he doesn't give a shit. Actually reminds me a lot of Beltran.

Welsh: Want to trade?

Nark: Ummm........ no.

Welsh: Jones has gotten alot slower and only tries to hit home runs now.

Nark: Oh Jesus. Time for the Mets bullpen...

Welsh: Yes! They took out Pelfrey after only 1 hit.

Nark: And gave the ball to an overused, exhausted and, lately, completely ineffective bullpen.

Welsh: Maybe they want him to break Anthony Young's record.

Welsh: You know, keep it in the organization.

Nark: Hahaha....

(Bottom of the 7th)

Welsh: A swing and a miss....

Welsh: An Andruw Jones strike out!

Nark: The fox announcers spent his whole at bat saying "He'd be having a much better year if he didn't keep trying to hit home runs every time he came up."

Welsh: Let's just say I haven't even seen a live at bat from him this year, and even I know that.

Welsh: How about this, if the Braves lose by more runs than they are down now (3), I'll break a bottle over my head.

Welsh: If the Braves win, you break a bottle over your head.

Nark: Deal.

Nark: Dude, the Braves pitching really is embarrassing right now. The guy they've got throwing now looks like he's 14 and scared to death.

(Jose Reyers is hit by a pitch.)

Welsh: Take out Reyes’ shins - a solid plan…

Nark: Have I mentioned that he's the most exciting player in baseball yet?

Welsh: No, but you did mention that the Braves current pitcher called Chuck James a "God."

(Jose Reyes steals second then is picked off.)

Nark: Embarrassing....

Nark: Sloppy, sloppy baserunning.

Welsh: That was so exciting!

Nark: In other news, did I just hear that Roger McDowell is the Braves pitching coach?

Welsh: Yup.

Nark: That's not crazy Roger McDowell who used to pitch for the Mets, is it?

Welsh: Yeah, that's him.

Welsh: I would trade Andruw for the Orioles for Mazzone.

Nark: Mazzone might help a bit.

Welsh: Blackjack McDowell also played in a Christian band and once flipped off the White Sox fans when they booed him. (False information on my part. Roger McDowell pitched for the Mets as Nark claims and is now the Braves pitching coach. Jack McDowell pitched for the White Sox and, later, the Yankees. He flipped off the Yankees fans, not the White Sox. Also, upon further review, it is still undetermined whether or not his current band is a Christian rock band.)

Nark: Wow... nice knowledge....

Welsh: My early 90's baseball knowledge is one of my most prized attributes. (Even when it’s blatantly wrong?)

Welsh: Oh my God, Franco is batting!

Welsh: You weren't lying…

Nark: I told you, you can't make this shit up!!!

Nark: Quick out. Going back to eat some egg whites.

Welsh: "Franco flies out to Alou." If I didn't know better, I'd think it was 1996….

Nark: Or 1985.

Welsh: Do you think Franco jiggles while he walks and never runs or looks back?

Nark: Yes, yes I do.

(Kelly Johnson strikes out in the bottom of the 8th.)

Welsh: Kelly struck out....what a girl.

Nark: You're rolling at this point. Rolling.

Welsh: I will say this - if the Braves ever had 4 hitters in a row to overcome a 3 run lead, I'd take the 4 that are coming up in the 9th. (Chipper, Mark T., Brian McCann, and Jeff Francoeur.)

Nark: Unless Beltran makes it a four run deficit.

Nark: I swear to God, every pitcher that comes in for the Braves looks like he's just gotten out of Middle School.

Welsh: As long as it's an Atlanta middle school, you might be right.

Nark: Lol.

Welsh: I haven't exactly "watched" alot of games this year - just follow every stat on espn.com.

Welsh: I thought Kelly Johnson was black until after the all-star break.

Nark: It almost makes you want to move back close to home so that you can actually watch some of these games, huh?

Welsh: Or have enough money to get cable.

Nark: Did you get my note earlier about my roomate, the female Yankees "fan"?

Welsh: Yeah.

Nark: Another gem of a comment: The announcers were just talking about Big Papi. She exclaims very loudly "I HATE Papi!"..... a slight pause.... "Papi is the one with the dreadlocks, right?"...........

Nark: me: "No, that's Manny."

Nark: her: "Oh yeah, that's right! I HATE Manny!!! He threw that old Yankees coach onto the ground! I HATE him!!!"

Nark: me: Shaking my head, and refusing to comment anymore.

Welsh: I just threw up in my mouth.

(Paul Lo Duca flies out to end the top of the 9th, but not before Beltran scores on a Delgado sac fly to put me on the verge of having to break a bottle over my head.)

Welsh: Do you think the same thing I do whenever you hear the name Lo Duca?

Nark: Yes. yes, I do. Didn't you get stuck doing one off of Dragone?

Welsh: Marcus.

Welsh: I asked Mucchetti, but he said he was too hairy.

(Pedro Feliciano is pitching for the Mets.)

Welsh: Fellacio just struck out Chipper and Mark T.

Welsh: I could have sworn he would "blow" this save.

Nark: And Mark T. was embarrassing.

Nark: Not a great looking at bat.

Welsh: I'm prepping for the old bottle to the head.

Nark: Hahaha....

Nark: You don't really have to do it. Unless we're both really, really drunk tonight, and I decide to call you on it.

Welsh: I'll do it. I'm a man of my words.

Welsh: I play the game the right way!

Nark: Just like Daniel Eckstein

Nark: Kidding.

Welsh: World Series MVP, what happened to the Mets last season?

Nark: You just sealed the deal on that bottle thing... low blow.

Welsh: Ok, I need to go.

Welsh: I'll call you when the bottle gets broken.

Nark: Me too. Good to "talk" to you about the game.

Welsh: One last thing.....

Nark: What's that?

Welsh: Did you know Willie Randolph has the same birthday as me?

Nark: WHAT?!?! awesome...

Welsh: I learned that back in my "memorizing baseball card stats" days.

Welsh: July 6.

Welsh: Alright, I gotta go.

Nark: Alright man. Call me after a few more drinks when you're ready for that bottle.

(Editor's note: the bottle was never broken, but before the night was over worse damage was done to my head than any bottle could do. Bad decisions were made.)