2008 Britsh Open

I first went golfing during my father's afternoon off when I was 6 years old at a time when he sometimes went golfing in flip flops, so I make no apologies for my golfing habit. Call me an elitist, but I still play with the clubs I bought for $150 that I purchased with my below-minimum-wage allowance while working on the lumberyard in middle school. Whatever.
When I was young and into the golf scene, I hated Greg Norman. He was the guy with all the skills, all the money, and all the reasons to dominate, yet he still seemed to lack that killer instinct that would allow me to root for him. I remember watching the Masters in '96 when he blew a seemingly insurmountable lead and cheering with my friend Ross as Norman completely collapsed through Amen corner in the final round. Now, over a decade later, I've had the pleasure of following another guy with all the skills, all the money, and an indescribable instinct for "the moment" destroy the golf scene. It only seems fitting that as The Man is noticeably absent from the British Open ("You know you've got problems when you're too injured to golf"- John Ring) that I find myself cheering for Greg Norman as he has turned back the clock and found himself as the unlikely leader at 53 years of age heading into the final round at the 2008 British Open.
From roughly 1998 through 2004, I was too into my own lackluster athletic career to really follow anyone else wholeheartedly. However, now that I'm washed up in Alumni Creek, I think I've discovered how great it is to be an unbiased fan, to witness the seemingly unthinkable and appreciate how great it is. Maybe Norman will revert to his form in '86 when he led every major after 3 rounds (the dubious "Saturday Slam") and only won 1, or maybe he will draw strength from his GILFish wife who was able to perform in the clutch on numerous occasions throughout her career. Whether fair or unfair, I'll compare Norman's performance tomorrow to my own in dire situations that were clearly less pressure filled than his. Jim Rome may call him "Chris" or every sportswriter in the world may call him Jesus. Whatever happens, happens. It's been a fun ride, and I know who I'll be rooting for.

Bob's Bar - RJR

On Sunday afternoon, I drove with my buddy Seth to Martinsburg, Nebraska so we could eat at a place called Bob’s Bar. I had only been there once before, but it’s semi-famous around the area for their enormous burgers, huge portions of appetizers, and cheap prices. A 1-pound cheeseburger is only three dollars, and a large pitcher of beer is four bucks. We split a “full order” of tater tots for $3.50, and couldn’t even come close to finishing them.

Driving to Martinsburg involves about 15 miles on 2-lane highways, then 10 miles on a hilly gravel road. Bob’s is the only restaurant in town, so it’s pretty easy to find. It’s the kind of place where the bartender smokes a cigarette with about a half inch of ash while cooking our burgers. Fortunately, the food is delicious and the atmosphere is great.

There are some more great pictures of the food here.

Colossal Expectations - RJR

I had the unexpected pleasure of watching today's opening day game between the Kansas City Royals and the Detroit Tigers. The only reason this game was on TV is that the Yankees game was in a rain delay, and luckily I have nothing better to do than sit and watch the game. Pitching for the Royals is Gil Meche, who I've always known would be a great addition and be worth every penny the Royals are paying him. Anyway, I have a few comments about the new baseball season:

1) This morning I woke up to about 4 inches of new snow on the ground in South Dakota. That means if I decide to leave the house today, I'll likely have to de-ice my car, and maybe even shovel the driveway if the sun doesn't come out. I wonder how many baseball players shovel their own driveways?

2a) The Royals have a new manager this year in Trey Hillman. Hillman has never managed in the majors, and spent the last 5 years managing in Japan. Rumor has it Hillman's former team auctioned off the right to negotiate a contract with him, and the Royals took the "Price is Right" strategy of bidding one dollar. I'm actually cautiously optimistic about this guy. Of course, I'm extremely concerned that Jose Guillen will end up missing 65 games due to suspension, another 40 due to injury, and will come back from the all-star break to hit .240.

2b) In the top of the first inning, Kansas City reached first base on an error, then immediately stole a base. The announcer said something about the Royals playing "small ball" and "advancing runners" under their new manager. If I read about "clutch hitting" or "manufacturing runs" on kcroyals.com, I'm going to start a letter-writing campaign to have sabermetrics taught in Kansas City high schools.

3) Apparently, Miss America sang the national anthem and threw out the first pitch in this game. I didn’t see how she did, but can you think of anything more terrifying than throwing out the first pitch? You only get one chance! I would practice for weeks if I had this opportunity.

Predictably, the Royals got shut out
Shockingly, the Royals played very well, got some good breaks, and had great relief pitching on their way to a 6-5 11^th inning win.

On a related note, the Royals play the Yankees in New York on Monday, June 9. It's the last season for Yankee Stadium, so I might not have another opportunity to go to a game there. If anyone wants to go, email me. Tickets are pretty reasonable on stubhub.com.

Stuff White People Like 3/5/08 jpw

I am obsessed with this website:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Absolutely can’t get enough of it right now. I'm interested in seeing what other people weigh in on this. I'd like to see how many categories you (honestly) fall into. My money is on Cmah to take the crown by alot. (Cmah, come back home. Seriously. I apologize for all the racist Asian jokes. You were white after all.) You can either reply to the post or post your own analysis using welsh@stanford.edu and harwick7.

I’m only counting 9 things that I like on the list. (I would probably also like Wrigley Field except I've never been there. My parents did bring me pictures of Ryne Sandberg and Shawon Dunston from Wrigley when I was a kid which I really liked.)

The list of things I like:

Graduate school: I've been here for 2.5 years and am less than halfway finished.

Juno- Good movie. I like when she plays that Hole song with Jason Bateman.

Dogs- Must be over 20 pounds, though.

Indie music

Arrested Development- Favorite show ever. Probably my #1 on this list.

Microbreweries- They usually have sports on tv, food, and beer. All things that I like. (I guess they always have beer, huh?)

Traveling- There is something I gave up for Lent that I like doing on road trips. Wow, I’m really craving one right now.

Wes Anderson movies- Bottle Rocket is on my Facebook profile!

Assists- I think the blogger meant to say 'hustle' but probably doesn't understand sports enough to get the concept. (He’s from Canada so he only knows hockey and basketball. He would clearly also like Mike Alstott and David Eckstein who have never made any assists. I love hustle. (I read an interview with the guy who made the site. He described himself as a white guy from a neighborhood in Toronto where Indian people tried to be white and white people tried to be Jamaican. Do you think Bart van Veghel made this website?))

Finally, I would like to say that I don’t like marathons. In the marathon I ran 17 days ago, 5 of my toenails fell off and I became an alcoholic for 2 weeks afterwards.

The Hold Steady: Still in the Bars--(Hopefully for the Ausinist.com-Let me know what you think)-bwh

I explained to my buddy, Mark, that he had no choice; we HAVE to see the Hold Steady. NPR, I told him, named the Hold Steady “the best bar band in America.” If you ask me, NPR probably knows bar bands like a nun knows sex positions. But Mark, that goofy bastard, loves NPR.

I divide concerts in Austin into three categories: 1. not worth it, 2. I’d feel bad missing it or, 3. if you’d like to continue being my friend you’d better go. NPR advice notwithstanding, the Hold Steady fall right into that third category.

I’m also forcing Mark to listen to the Hold Steady for at least an hour every day. To his first listen, the Hold Steady sounded like the music his older played driving him to track practice. The Hold Steady songs are about characters as familiar as the riffs: Gideon the lovable fuck-up, Charlemagne the scary but incredibly older guy and Holly the beautiful, contagious party girl. I can’t wait to hear what happens to them in the yet to be released album “Stay Positive.”

For all their gritty stories and critical acclaim, the Hold Steady play with the enthusiasm of kids in a garage. It’s as if they can’t quite believe they’re rock stars. Granted, the lead singer looks like a level 8 Dungeonmaster, and the keyboardist is a pair of overalls away from stomping Koopa Troopas—but the Hold Steady seem to really appreciate being rock stars.

The Hold Steady are playing at Emos on March 27^th. Gideon, Charlemagne and Holly will be there, so will Mark.

Bullpen jpw 2/19/08

A couple things have gotten me thinking about theme songs recently. The first was Drew from deadspin talking about how he would play A Song for the Deaf by Queens of the Stone Age for his team to run out onto the field to if he's ever a big time football coach. He would also request red lights for night games to "set the tone for an absolute bloodbath." Pretty cool. The other incident occurred at the Nuthouse when Thunderstruck by AC/DC was playing on the jukebox, and my friend Tom suddenly said, "If I'm ever a major league closer, this is the song I'm gonna run out of the bullpen to." One of the more random but completely satisfying conversation starters I've heard in quite some time. Not that I've ever forgotten anything that's ever happened at the Nuthouse, but I forgot which song he had said that night, so I emailed him later, and here was his reply:

Hey John,
I would run out to the mound to "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC.
Also, when I strike someone out, over the stadium PA would play the part in the song that
goes "you've been (drums drums drums) THUNDERSTRUCK" and "THUNDERSTRUCK" would flash on
the jumbotron and all the fans would yell "THUNDERSTRUCK". It would be awesome.
Tom

I don't think I can beat either of those, but the song I would want to run out of the bullpen to would be On Call by Kings of Leon. It would start at the beginning with that weird synthesizer sound. The crowd and opposing team would instantly recognize the song and be like, "Oh shit, Welsh is coming in. This game is over." Then it would skip to 2:45 into the song (I'm pretty sure they could digitally remaster that for a big time closer like myself) when only the bass is playing and everything is quiet, and then when the rest of the band kicks in, the bullpen gate would burst open and I'd appear looking really pissed off. When the songs starts saying, "I'd come running," I wouldn't even think about running. I'd walk as slow as possible so that the batter would be so nervous about striking out and embarassing himself, it would be a relief when it actually happened.

Pedro Martinez y Juan Marichel 2/10/08 jpw

Was anyone else surprised at the lack of violence in the
Pedro Martinez cockfighting video? I know it's cruel,
inhumane, and the birds die, but if that's what cockfighting
is like, is it really that enjoyable to watch? I sometimes
take morning dumps that are more violent than that. It kind
of reminds me of the time when I was a kid that Matt Sweeton
and I biked to Wal-Mart to buy a female Chinese fighting
fish and two males, because he wanted to make them fight.
The lady at Wal-Mart would only sell us one male because she
said they would fight (Would anyone buy these fish for
another purpose?), so we had to bike to K-Mart to get the
other male. When we got back to Matt's house and dropped
them all in a bowl together, do you know what happened?
Nothing! I mean, maybe one of them changed colors a tiny
bit, but there was no biting or pecking or thrashing or whatever it is
fish do when they fight. Matt had made a horrible
investment of approximately $6. I suppose Pedro lost more
than that with his bird, but it still wasn't very exciting.
They just kept flapping their feathers everywhere with no
blood or anything. After about five seconds you couldn't tell
which bird was which, and all of the sudden one of them was
lying lifeless on the ground and the camera switched over to
Pedro who was sitting with a little grin on his face like
Johan Santana had just given up a home run to Chipper Jones
or something (hi Nark). Now I can kind of see why Michael Vick was
into dogfighting. If you are going to do something hideous
and inhumane on the black market, there might as well be
tons of violence and growling and blood and that sort of
thing. Of course, my dogfighting knowledge is based solely on
two movies: Amores Perros (a Cmah recommendation) and Fresh
(a Big Daddy Drew recommendation), so I may be completely off
base when I say that dogfighting is a much more entertaining way to get
arrested than cockfighting or fishfighting.

Giants... - 2/04/08, SGM

Here's an analogy that seems pretty appropriate given last night's game:

Imagine going out to a bar and meeting an unbelievable chick. She's 5'6", blonde, thin, with a great face and big cans. You start talking, and not only is she interesting and sociable, but she does that thing where she laughs and touches your arm whenever you make a joke that goes over well. As the night progresses, you avoid or overcome a bunch of potential deal-breakers: her unattractive friend who keeps frowning and pointedly talking about how she isn't having a good time; the aggressive dickhead you find talking to her when you come back from the bathroom; the weird older guy who keeps interjecting himself into your conversations. Not only are you on your game, but you've never been on your game like this. The two of you keep drinking, and eventually decide to go back to her place. At her apartment, things progress pretty quickly: one thing leads to another and you start banging this unbelievable girl. She says it's "no big deal" if you don't wear a condom, but you do anyway just to be awesome. After banging for a reasonably long time, you realize that, if your instincts are correct, you might be on the verge of a rare, if not unprecidented, simultaneous orgasm. You think to yourself: "I always wondered if I would recognize the single greatest moment of my life as it was happening". Twenty seconds later, her cat, who hissed at you when you originally entered the apartment, but who you've since nearly forgotten about, jumps onto your back and takes a giant dump.

Giant dump? New York Giants? Coincidence? Not a fucking chance.

The phone, the phone, where's the fucking phone? 2-2-08 jpw

My chemical engineering friend Tom from Princeton asked me if I wanted to go to the Nuthouse last night where it was supposedly Princeton Alum Night. I told him that if I ever get in a bar fight it will probably be at the Nuthouse, and that if I ever get in a bar fight it will probably be with someone from Princeton….and yes, I wanted to go to the Nuthouse. When we got there, there was only one other alum there who also happened to be a chemical engineer. She was…let’s just say I haven’t met a lot of engineers that look like that. Eventually people wanted to leave the Nuthouse and go to the downtown bars. This is a bad idea 10-out-of-10 times. I’m not real clear on what happened downtown, but I eventually realized my motor skills were worse than Kayoko Fukoshi’s in the last 400 of the Osaka Marathon, so I decided to stumble back to Tiny House and left everyone else to continue having not fun downtown.

When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t find my brand new cell phone that came in the mail yesterday or Randy’s sunglasses which had been in the same pocket. I did find some bubblegum, a Peter Meter (which is pretty much what it sounds like), a quarter, a $10 bill, and a can of Husky, though. As I ransacked Tiny House trying to find the phone in a scene resembling this clip <http://youtube.com/watch?v=-3ypVEXtb5s>, I also found an unwrapped chicken sandwich in the microwave. So much information about the night before! I eventually realized that I had given Randy his sunglasses back, and I finally found my phone in the glove compartment of my truck.

"He shall from time to time give to Congress..." RJR

For those that don't know, I have a lot of time on my hands these days. I won't get into the reasons why I'm unemployed (ok, laziness), but this leads to me watching a lot of television. That's why I was especially disappointed when I flipped on the TV yesterday to find nothing but the State of the Union address on all four major networks. I'm not what you might call "knowledgeable" about politics and current events, especially since the writers' strike took the Daily Show off the air for a couple of months.

There must be others like me, who could care less about hearing President Bush talk for 15 minutes and be clapped at for another hour. Why doesn't one of the networks schedule a sweet movie or a normal show instead, just to shake things up? For instance, NBC should have scheduled the triumphant return of "American Gladiators" for the same time slot. It would have gotten great ratings, and I'm guessing there wouldn't have been much crossover between the two.

(Side note: the wikipedia entry for "Anticipation is better than the actual event" should have two pictures: 1) a Christmas tree with presents under it, and 2) Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali hosting the new American Gladiators show).

Another idea for State of the Union night: Comedy Central should have aired a live "Mystery Science State of the Union 2008" with Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and maybe Lewis Black and Dennis Miller (you know, to keep it fair and balanced). Nothing but those four sitting in the front of a movie theater telling jokes and commenting on the speech. Noah, you need to make this happen, even if it means scabbing during the writers' strike.


Was that a Chris Mah post? Tough Call.

Cape League IS Baseball 1/27/08 jpw

I recently finished a pretty interesting book about the Cape Cod summer baseball league called The Last Best League. I recommend it highly. Before starting, I was wondering if my friend Scott Thoms or his dad (who is the GM of one of the teams) would play a prominent role in the story:

p. 9 In the attached one-car garage at Charlie Thoms's house, racks of neatly pressed uniform tops hung in four groups.

p. 17 Scott Thoms, Charlie nineteen-year-old son, squeezed five or six A's into the Yukon to go four-wheeling on North Beach.

Oh yes. That didn't take long. What a great book. There is even an acknowledgement to one of my undergrad engineering profs for his studies with wooden bats as well as mention of a certain A's tee shirt with a certain slogan that a certain friend of mine currently wears about three days each week.

Who Wants to Wrestle Uncle Kevin -bh

Last weekend I drove out to Dripping Springs for my buddy Sean’s 30^th birthday party. Sean used to work with me before he moved to a better job. On the weekends, when he’s not a systems analyst, Sean is flying across the country on someone else’s dollar to play softball. The party was full of other semi-pro softball players, youth football coaches and screaming wives and kids.

I suspected the wives and kids would be the fun police, but it turned out to be just the opposite. An 8 year old made me a vodka tonic that would knock out David Hasselhof and the over-under for Sean’s wife passing out was 10pm. She passed out on the counter at 10:20. Right before her head hit the linoleum we had a moment. She was sluring so badly even a Denny’s waitress wouldn’t be able to understand her, “I’m glaaaad you came,” she said. Unfortunately, she was zombie drunk and hit me in the mouth when she tried to hug me.

One mildly sober woman was juggling a wineglass and a knife, trying to cut the cake. The kids lined up like ducklings and as the first kid got her cake, Sean's brother Kevin swooped in and grabbed it right off the plate. He lost his balance, fell onto the counter, and then spun acrobatically into the cake. The little girl glared at Kevin, now frosted and on the floor and called him a mean drunk. The cake dispenser put her knife on the counter and pulled down Kevin’s pants with help from the line of kids.

Once he got his pants back on, Kevin walked towards the door hunched up like a clown ridding a tiny bike and passed out in peace outside. I stepped over him on my way home.

Just When I Thought I Was Out... 1/23/08 SGM

Here's a dialogue that took place a couple weeks ago between me and a female bartender (I think, named Courtney or Corey) at a bar in New Haven called El Amigo Felix that, as far as I've been able to tell, on any given weeknight caters only to me and 7 Puerto Rican ecstasy dealers, all of whom are best friends. For future reference: Always remember to tip correctly, or risk looking like an ass.

I walk into the bar and try to ignore some "hostile" staring, and, smiling brazenly ask the bartender for a Dosequis, the cheapest beer available that I could be certain hadn't been brewed on site by the bar's owner and his pack of stray dogs.

Me: Hi. Can I have a Dosequis, please?
Courtney: Five dollars.
Me: (handing her what I'm pretty sure is $6) Here's six.
Corey: (after examining the money) This is four.
Me: Uh.

Was that a Liam Butler story? Tough call.

How a Resurrection Really Feels 1/17/08 jpw

Like Michael Jordan, Larry Holmes, and Roger Clemens, the blog is back. Just as Big Daddy Drew from the widely read deadspin website is running out of NFL games to make completely inappropriate jokes about while dropping an inordinate amount of F-bombs (subsequently causing me to laugh out loud and then having to blatantly lie to my Mormon labmates about what I'm reading), a blog with a readership of approximately 4 written by a guy less than half Big Daddy Drew's size who isn't very funny to begin with decides to make a comeback. Coincidence? Not a chance.
Format has changed. It is now an open blog celebrating community in the tradition of the Communist Kitchen. No reason to label your own personal cereal boxes on this blog. Enjoy.

An apology 9/2/07

For most of my life, I’ve been a student-athlete, not a public blogger, so, you know, I really don’t know, you know, how to type what I really want to type.

You know, I understand it’s — it’s important or not important, you know, as far as what you type but how you type things. So, you know, I take this opportunity just to write from the heart.

First, I want to apologize, you know, for all the things that — that I’ve done and that I have allowed to happen. I want to personally apologize to commissioner Google, The Hold Steady, coach Pat Welsh, my IM softball teammates, you know, for my — for my previous discussions about them on this blog. And I was not honest and forthright in my discussions, and, you know, I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself to say the least.

I want to apologize to all the young bloggers out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up.

I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering John Welsh the person, not the blogger.

I take full responsibility for my actions. For one second will I sit right here — not for one second will I sit right here and point the finger and try to blame anybody else for my actions or what I’ve done.

I’m totally responsible, and those things just didn’t have to happen. I feel like we all make mistakes. It’s just I made a mistake in using bad judgment and making bad decisions. And you know, those things, you know, just can’t happen.

Ending a blog before you say you will is a terrible thing, and I did reject it.

I’m upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that’s the right thing to do as of right now.

Like I said, for this — for this entire situation I never pointed the finger at anybody else, I accepted responsibility for my actions of what I did and now I have to pay the consequences for it. But in a sense, I think it will help, you know, me as a person. I got a lot to think about in the next year or so.

I offer my deepest apologies to everybody out in there in the world wide web who was affected by this whole situation. And if I’m more disappointed with myself than anything it’s because of all the young people, young bloggers that I’ve let down, who look at John Welsh as a role model. And to have to go through this and put myself in this situation, you know, I hope that every young blogger out there in the world reading this post right now who’s been following the blog will use me as an example to using better judgment and making better decisions.

Once again, I offer my deepest apologies to everyone. And I will redeem myself. I have to.

So I got a lot of down time, a lot of time to think about my actions and what I’ve done and how to make John Welsh a better person.

Thanks you.

Penultimate post 9/1/07

(A game between the Mets and Braves in Atlanta is about to start. Nark is watching it on Fox. I don’t have a tv.)

Welsh: Cmah doesn't have Fox, but we're gonna go to his friends house in a bit anyways to watch.

Welsh: I'll gamecast it until then.

Nark: Nice...

Nark: David Eckstein is accepting some ridiculous award on fox right now. I hate that guy.

Welsh: Oh man! I can't believe we don't get Fox.

Nark: Pathetic really.

Welsh: You're making this up aren't you?

Nark: No, he was really on.

Nark: It's the "Byrnsie Awards" the moron announcer for Fox.

Welsh: I'm doing a drink for Eckstein.

Welsh: Even though it makes no sense, because he doesn't drink.

Nark: What!?!?! You've started drinking already? I was waiting for the game to start to get it going.

Nark: not drinking = another reason I hate Eckstein

Nark: I'm going to grab a beer, and a bag of Tostitos Scoops.

Welsh: I love that guy; he plays the game the right way; he doesn't need booze to feel successful.

Welsh: Unlike us.

Nark: Agreed.

Nark: You know I just badmouth him because I know he's your favorite player, right?

Welsh: I hate you so much.

Nark: Thanks.

Nark: We're three minutes from first pitch. Have you found a TV yet?

Welsh: No; it will be a few innings.

Welsh: I'll just say "Hey, wha happened?" after every other pitch.

Nark: Right now you're missing Marlon Anderson (the greatest pinch hitter of all time) read off the Mets starting line-up. Seriously, what kind of morons are in charge of Fox

Nark: Are you ready? Sing it with me.... Jo-se, Jose Jose Jose!!!! Jo-se! Jo-se!!!

Welsh: Ok, you don't have to do a play-by-play.

(Jose Reyes flies out to start the game.)

Nark: Damnit. Flyout to Willie Harris...

Nark: So what can you tell me about Mr. Chuck James?

Welsh: Best name in baseball.

Welsh: Marginal pitcher.

Welsh: Second year pitcher.

Welsh: From Atlanta just like half of the team.

Nark: I'll admit it's a great name. And he didn't look too bad there setting the Mets down in order.

Nark: Pete Moylan just referred to Mr. Chuck James as "pitching God Chuck James."

Nark: I'm not making this shit up.

Welsh: Alright, we've got Willie, Kelly, and Chipper coming up.

Welsh: How threatening are those names, eh?

Nark: Actually, don't you have Willie, Kelly and Leroy coming up?

Welsh: It's Larry, and if you call him that again, this running diary is ending immediately.

Nark: Sorry, Larry.

Nark: I'm embarrassed for myself, my team, and my entire family.

Nark: I need another beer.

Welsh: I wish I could hit your head with a bottle just hard enough that it didn't break.

Nark: I hear that's a pretty good time. I would recommend giving it a try. In fact, maybe we should arrange a broken bottle over the head bet on this game.

Welsh: I need a few more beers to make that broken bottle bet.

Welsh: Give me a couple innings.

Nark: I'm still reeling from the Leroy incident. It's going to take me a bit of time to get myself back together here.

Welsh: I think you would get your ass kicked faster in Queens for screwing that up than you would in Atlanta.

Nark: Agreed. Jesus, I gotta get my act together.

Nark: How excited does that shot of Pedro, in uniform, in the Mets dugout make you?

Welsh: Doesn't he have like a 6.00 ERA in single A?

Nark: Irrelevant. I hear those guys he was pitching against are really good. And he's looked great pitching in the bullpen. I mean, seriously, isn't Yi Jianlin a can't miss NBA star based on his post up ability against those chairs?

Welsh: You're talking about "The Chairman?”

Nark: Exactly.

(Carlos Delgado hits into a double play.)

Nark: Carlos Delgado has turned into Julio Franco this year. Whenever he gets to the plate in a situation where the Mets can really get a rally going, he grounds into a double play and ends the threat.

Welsh: What do you think Franco is thinking as he watches this game?

Nark: Wow. Good question. I have no idea. I think he's probably just eating some egg whites and getting excited to kill a rally for the Braves.

Welsh: The braves cut him when Mark T came in.

Nark: I thought they called him up today with the roster expansion...

Welsh: Please tell me you’re joking.

Nark: I wouldn't make this stuff up...

Welsh: Maybe he can pitch 5th in their rotation…

Welsh: Side note: I heard Mark Lemke made a comeback as a knuckler a few years back.

Nark: Maybe. I hear it was a toss-up between him and Jose Canseco. On that subject, what would you do if things got so bad that the Braves actually considered signing Jose Canseco to join the rotation?

Welsh: It's gotten so bad recently, I don't think I'd be all that surprised.

Nark: Brutal....

Nark: Are you seeing the Burger King Hot Zone right now???

Welsh: No, I'm still at Cmah's.

Nark: Unbelievable. I'll let you experience it for yourself when you find a TV.

Nark: Can I also say that it makes me exceptionally happy to see Ricky Henderson as the Mets first base coach? I know we shared a few emails on this subject, but I think it's worth taking a quick flashback and sharing some favorite Ricky moments...

Welsh: "Today, I am the greatest player in baseball history."

Welsh: The Rolaids commercial....

Welsh: The Oakleys….

Nark: Pretty much inventing the athlete speaking in the third person.

Nark: Total side note here: My roomate (a girl) has joined the room. She's peppering me with questions such as "Are the Mets and Braves in the same division?"

Nark: I feel like my head is going to explode.

Nark: Second sidenote: She claims to be a HUGE Yankees fan. Perhaps I should have done a bit more research before I moved in with her.

SEVERAL INNINGS PASS

Welsh: Alright, so the A's are on Fox instead at our new location.

Nark: Brutal!!

Welsh: Think I could steal your mlbtv just this once?

Nark: Absolutely.

Welsh: Password?

DELETED

Welsh: Actually, the first one worked but the game is blacked out.

Welsh: I got audio, though.

Nark: Tragic. Listen to the wfan version... : )

Welsh: I got it.

Nark: Nice.

Nark: You just missed the Beltran home run....(in the top of the 7th)

Welsh: Freaking Beltran; good thing you aren't GM or else they would still have Mike Cameron.

Nark: I still like Mike Cameron better.

Welsh: I would trade Andruw for Cameron straight up in a heartbeat.

Nark: The pitch he put out was unbelievable. He was way out in front and looked like he just stuck the bat out there.

Nark: What's the deal with Andruw Jones anyways?

Welsh: He is fat and strikes out all the time.

Welsh: He also doesn't get to as many balls as he used to.

Welsh: I'm not gonna care when he walks after this year.

Nark: How old is he?

Welsh: 30?

Welsh: He was 19 when he came up.

Nark: Fair enough.

Nark: He must be a very discouraging guy to root for. So many physical tools. Always looking like he doesn't give a shit. Actually reminds me a lot of Beltran.

Welsh: Want to trade?

Nark: Ummm........ no.

Welsh: Jones has gotten alot slower and only tries to hit home runs now.

Nark: Oh Jesus. Time for the Mets bullpen...

Welsh: Yes! They took out Pelfrey after only 1 hit.

Nark: And gave the ball to an overused, exhausted and, lately, completely ineffective bullpen.

Welsh: Maybe they want him to break Anthony Young's record.

Welsh: You know, keep it in the organization.

Nark: Hahaha....

(Bottom of the 7th)

Welsh: A swing and a miss....

Welsh: An Andruw Jones strike out!

Nark: The fox announcers spent his whole at bat saying "He'd be having a much better year if he didn't keep trying to hit home runs every time he came up."

Welsh: Let's just say I haven't even seen a live at bat from him this year, and even I know that.

Welsh: How about this, if the Braves lose by more runs than they are down now (3), I'll break a bottle over my head.

Welsh: If the Braves win, you break a bottle over your head.

Nark: Deal.

Nark: Dude, the Braves pitching really is embarrassing right now. The guy they've got throwing now looks like he's 14 and scared to death.

(Jose Reyers is hit by a pitch.)

Welsh: Take out Reyes’ shins - a solid plan…

Nark: Have I mentioned that he's the most exciting player in baseball yet?

Welsh: No, but you did mention that the Braves current pitcher called Chuck James a "God."

(Jose Reyes steals second then is picked off.)

Nark: Embarrassing....

Nark: Sloppy, sloppy baserunning.

Welsh: That was so exciting!

Nark: In other news, did I just hear that Roger McDowell is the Braves pitching coach?

Welsh: Yup.

Nark: That's not crazy Roger McDowell who used to pitch for the Mets, is it?

Welsh: Yeah, that's him.

Welsh: I would trade Andruw for the Orioles for Mazzone.

Nark: Mazzone might help a bit.

Welsh: Blackjack McDowell also played in a Christian band and once flipped off the White Sox fans when they booed him. (False information on my part. Roger McDowell pitched for the Mets as Nark claims and is now the Braves pitching coach. Jack McDowell pitched for the White Sox and, later, the Yankees. He flipped off the Yankees fans, not the White Sox. Also, upon further review, it is still undetermined whether or not his current band is a Christian rock band.)

Nark: Wow... nice knowledge....

Welsh: My early 90's baseball knowledge is one of my most prized attributes. (Even when it’s blatantly wrong?)

Welsh: Oh my God, Franco is batting!

Welsh: You weren't lying…

Nark: I told you, you can't make this shit up!!!

Nark: Quick out. Going back to eat some egg whites.

Welsh: "Franco flies out to Alou." If I didn't know better, I'd think it was 1996….

Nark: Or 1985.

Welsh: Do you think Franco jiggles while he walks and never runs or looks back?

Nark: Yes, yes I do.

(Kelly Johnson strikes out in the bottom of the 8th.)

Welsh: Kelly struck out....what a girl.

Nark: You're rolling at this point. Rolling.

Welsh: I will say this - if the Braves ever had 4 hitters in a row to overcome a 3 run lead, I'd take the 4 that are coming up in the 9th. (Chipper, Mark T., Brian McCann, and Jeff Francoeur.)

Nark: Unless Beltran makes it a four run deficit.

Nark: I swear to God, every pitcher that comes in for the Braves looks like he's just gotten out of Middle School.

Welsh: As long as it's an Atlanta middle school, you might be right.

Nark: Lol.

Welsh: I haven't exactly "watched" alot of games this year - just follow every stat on espn.com.

Welsh: I thought Kelly Johnson was black until after the all-star break.

Nark: It almost makes you want to move back close to home so that you can actually watch some of these games, huh?

Welsh: Or have enough money to get cable.

Nark: Did you get my note earlier about my roomate, the female Yankees "fan"?

Welsh: Yeah.

Nark: Another gem of a comment: The announcers were just talking about Big Papi. She exclaims very loudly "I HATE Papi!"..... a slight pause.... "Papi is the one with the dreadlocks, right?"...........

Nark: me: "No, that's Manny."

Nark: her: "Oh yeah, that's right! I HATE Manny!!! He threw that old Yankees coach onto the ground! I HATE him!!!"

Nark: me: Shaking my head, and refusing to comment anymore.

Welsh: I just threw up in my mouth.

(Paul Lo Duca flies out to end the top of the 9th, but not before Beltran scores on a Delgado sac fly to put me on the verge of having to break a bottle over my head.)

Welsh: Do you think the same thing I do whenever you hear the name Lo Duca?

Nark: Yes. yes, I do. Didn't you get stuck doing one off of Dragone?

Welsh: Marcus.

Welsh: I asked Mucchetti, but he said he was too hairy.

(Pedro Feliciano is pitching for the Mets.)

Welsh: Fellacio just struck out Chipper and Mark T.

Welsh: I could have sworn he would "blow" this save.

Nark: And Mark T. was embarrassing.

Nark: Not a great looking at bat.

Welsh: I'm prepping for the old bottle to the head.

Nark: Hahaha....

Nark: You don't really have to do it. Unless we're both really, really drunk tonight, and I decide to call you on it.

Welsh: I'll do it. I'm a man of my words.

Welsh: I play the game the right way!

Nark: Just like Daniel Eckstein

Nark: Kidding.

Welsh: World Series MVP, what happened to the Mets last season?

Nark: You just sealed the deal on that bottle thing... low blow.

Welsh: Ok, I need to go.

Welsh: I'll call you when the bottle gets broken.

Nark: Me too. Good to "talk" to you about the game.

Welsh: One last thing.....

Nark: What's that?

Welsh: Did you know Willie Randolph has the same birthday as me?

Nark: WHAT?!?! awesome...

Welsh: I learned that back in my "memorizing baseball card stats" days.

Welsh: July 6.

Welsh: Alright, I gotta go.

Nark: Alright man. Call me after a few more drinks when you're ready for that bottle.

(Editor's note: the bottle was never broken, but before the night was over worse damage was done to my head than any bottle could do. Bad decisions were made.)

His judegment cometh...and that right soon 8/30/07

So this blog is coming to an end. I know I said I would keep it going until the Braves were finished. I lied. I'm sorry. They are fading so fast, they might sign Shea Hillenbrand just so someone can write, "The ship is sinking," on the locker room chalk board, but they still have at least a month left. I'm bored with talking about myself, though. This blog made it through 91 posts in 113 days, which is about 85 posts and 106 days longer than I anticipated. I'll have a final post on Saturday and possibly one more before that, and I'll leave some of the older posts up for a while. It's been real. As a good friend once told me, "Get busy living, or get busy blogging."

draft day 8/19/07

So Hanley is taking a foray into fantasy football this year. The only problem is that he is in Mexico and today was draft day, so he gave me the keys for his team. My first order of business was to try to change the team name from Team Hanley to The Pit Bulls. It didn't work. Here's how the draft transpired:

12:50 draft in 10 minutes; we pick 10th (last) in the first round and 11th (first) in the second round; this is actually what I was hoping for; if I had picks 3-7 I was considering trading down in the first round; I'll explain as the draft goes on

12:53 just talked to hanley about my strategy; he is in a car just outside San Antonio

1:00 draft starting; i'm giddy

1:07 i got maroney and bush; i let rudi johnson slip, but i like both these guys, and i think hanley does too; this is his team after all; at least their names aren't gay; i'm hoping one of the big 4 qbs is left at #30

1:10 3 of the top 4 qb's are already gone within 15 picks; these guys are crazy; no way does carson palmer slip to me at #30 now

1:11 debating what to do about the qb scenario; i don't think anyone left other than palmer is worth a 30 or 31 pick; kitna is my sleeper (hanley may kill me if he has to start kitna, but he has mike martz as his coach and a bunch of good receivers) maybe he will be around at #50

1:15 someone took bulger at 20; my head might explode; i wish i knew the guy so i could make fun of him

1:18 palmer gone; tons of good rb's left; stocking rb's is exactly what hanley told me not to do; oh god

1:21 someone took TO; glad it wasn't me

1:31 i'm in shock; so travis henry slipped a ton to me at #30; turns out he has a sprained knee; i'm such an amateur; i also picked up randy moss, so it was a sketchy round overall; i need a qb; come on kitna baby

1:35 vy gone; i knew someone would take him early; i love him, but the titans are gonna be terrible this year, and he's not a stats guy; i think we all know the only thing he does...

1:44 another near heart attack - there are no te's in this league; i was looking like crazy for antonio gates and freaking out on the clock until i realized it; i still got marshawn lynch (a sleeper) and my man kitna at #51; i'm telling you he'll be way better than hasselback (#34) and vy (#41) and about as good as bulger (#20!) and mcnabb (#29); everything is fine; just KEEP YOUR COOL!!!

2:23 ok, sorry for the break; i just picked up 4 straight wr's from the pu pu platter; sorry hanley; i say wait for travis henry's mri to be ok and try to trade him for calvin johnson or roy williams

2:25 someone took jerry porter; i'm glad it wasn't me

2:26 someone just got a huge steal in cadillac williams at #98; they obviously knew the format and draft rules better than me

2:27 you know what all the scouts do in Moneyball when they are sitting around in a tense room? that's what i'm doing now, good stuff

2:28 another steal for someone with jerious norwood; i hate myself....and travis henry

2:29 matt stover!!! the first player taken that was on Tecmo Super Bowl!

2:31 joe horn - somebody find me a cell phone

2:38 just got more receiver pu pu and the cowboy's defense; they were high on my list but low on espn's, probably because espn considers special teams; i really should look into the rules more

2:39 sweetasianHEAT just said my receiver might not make the team? he's on the raiders! i could make that team; what makes this guy so smart anyway?

2:46 i only have kickers, defense and qbs left; i'm feeling brodie croyle right now...

2:54 someone took wes welker at #128; i should have snagged him

2:55 i got olindo mare (kicks on turf - can't be that hard) and matt shaub; hey, shaub is a great backup which is exactly what he will be doing on hanley's team

2:57 team hanley will be playing tincan (not tinman) in the first week; he has gore and mcgahee which scares me but hasseback as qb, so we've got him there; of course he has reggie wayne and a bunch of other better receivers; hanley, make some trades for receivers soon...and don't kill me

3:05 i have 3 picks left including the last pick of the draft; i wanted to take jerramy stevens with the last pick, but there are no te's; not sure i can wait that long for croyle; i need a kicker with a funny name

3:08 i got croyle (roll tide) and the packers defense; it's cold in green bay and aj hawk has a hot girlfriend

3:09 doug flutie isn't listed among kickers? cmon!

3:11 i've got some decisions to make on this kicker - the wise thing might be a saints backup in case mare starts sucking; the highest rated kickers left with funny names are josh scobee (sounds like an std), mike "don't call me ted" nugent, and jay feeley from the dolphins who i could have sworn was a qb; from the all d-bag team sebastian janikowski and mike vanderjagt are also left

3:13 scabees is gone

3:17 uh oh, ted nugent also gone

3:18 who's it gonna be?

3:22 with the last pick in the draft, Team Hanley selects......Sebastian Janikowski; going for character and chemistry here

3:25 summary: i got both the rbs and qb i wanted for my draft position; happy about that; also got one of the kickers i wanted; not so much on defense, and if randy moss doesn't perform, receivers might be awful; moss and janikowski are wishing i had ricky williams to roll a few with them

8/16/07

They say neither the day nor the hour is known for the second coming of Christ at the apocalypse. Fortunately, this blog is not a divine institution, so I can officially declare when it will end. After long deliberations, I've decided to extend the blog from my initial 100-days length (which is ending sometime soon) until the Braves season is officially over. With any luck, this will be in October and not September. With incredible luck, it might even be November.

HR trivia 8/7/07

Ring came with me to trivia tonight. Everyone else sold out, so we only had a team of two. We still did pretty well and were even one point shy of a perfect score on a movie trivia round before eventually getting creamed the last few rounds. Early in the night we saw Bonds hit number 756 on the tv in the bar. Congratulations, Barry, on cheating your way to the two most hallowed records in sports. This led into a heated debate over whether or not we would throw the ball back if we caught it. I maintained that I would do it even if it meant sacrificing a few hundo thousands. You've got to have standards no matter what. Besides, I would always be remembered as the guy that threw up the ultimate protest in favor of fair play, which would be alot better than being remembered as that Mets jackass that actually caught it. Plus, I would get to go on talk shows and wax poetic about being a walk-on athlete and trying to achieve my dreams while "playing the game the right way." I think I almost had Ring on my side by the end of it.